Wishing Well for Amy

Yesterday was my little Winter Girl's 2nd birthday. I really can't believe it was only 2 years ago, and at the same time I can't believe she's already 2. Time is funky like that, isn't it?

Along the same flying timelines (see what I did there?), I have a very dear friend - let's call her Amy - who is nearing the end of her first pregnancy. Note: Although, we've been friends nearly 3 decades, and we were in our double digits when we met, I am NOT saying she's an OLD friend. We shall now skip past the various paradoxes this brings up regarding time & age & my memory.

So Amy lives way the shite up in Alaska these days. This made a traditional baby shower with her friends and family who are down in the Lower 48 a bit more than problematic. But in this age of social media, everyone can be gathered into a group on ye olde Facebook to participate in some of the silly & sweet that goes into showering a new mommy & baby with love.

One of the things we "guests" were asked to do was fill in the following phrases with our wishes for the baby. Honestly though, my first thoughts were all my wishes for Amy, as she joins the ranks of New Moms. Some are things that were passed on to me in the last 4 years, some are frankly things I'm still working on for myself.

While I wrote these words for her, I am fairly certain Amy won't mind my sharing.

I hope you love... every minute of being a mom. Chances are you might not though, heaven knows I don't always. In those moments know you are not alone & it's OK. Ya know what they say: Parenthood is the best job there is - but the hours suck and the bosses really are just whiny little tyrants.
I also hope you love wine, because, well, look up mommy and wine on Pinterest. You'll get the idea.

I hope you learn... to sometimes be selfish. This is so much easier said than done, at least for me. Even harder not to be guilty about it. But you need time off. To yourself. Alone. So schedule it for yourself - a few minutes every day if you can, a few hours every week. Exercise, read, soak in a shower or tub, go have your toes done, hide in the kitchen and surf the internet watching cat videos. Time for YOU will make all the difference.

I hope you ignore... the unread mail, the piles of laundry, the dirty bathroom, and all the other chores for a long time. Particularly the first few months. Always remember you just GREW a person. Inside you. Then had it pulled out of you. Trust me, your body needs a wee bit of time, or like 6 months, to recover from that experience. In the meantime, that little person you grew is still looking to you to take care of it. You have plenty to do feeding & bathing the 2 of you. For the love of all that is right and holy -  the dishes and laundry and vacuuming can damn well wait for someone else to do it.

I hope you aren't afraid to follow your instincts, your mother's intuition, your heart. No one on the Earth will ever know your baby like you do. There are lots of places out there to seek advice, and lots of folks who will give it. I've got the greatest pediatrician on the planet. She is no nonsense, no drama & is extremely supportive of me as a parent & in trusting my gut. This gave me immeasurable confidence. So I will pass along her wisdom: Listen to your inner voice. You will know what is right for you & your baby & your family. Do that.

Likewise, I hope you aren't afraid to ask for help if you need it. Particularly when you feel like you don't know what you're doing, that you cannot do what you think your baby needs, or that you just can't handle it - please say that out loud & until someone hears you.
Maybe more importantly - don't be afraid or ashamed to accept the help. Four years and 2 kids into my parenting gig & this is probably my greatest struggle. No, no one is going to do whatever it is the way you probably think it should get done. Take a deep breath & just be OK with that.

I hope you grow to be the mother you always wanted to be. You are still amazing even if you find you became another mommy altogether. Expectations are funny things - at least for me. They often get in the way of my seeing the beauty of reality, because it's not what I envisioned.

I hope you laugh at how absurd being a parent is. I hope you laugh even as you are crying in frustration. I hope you laugh when your kid does something SO outrageous you want to scream. I hope you laugh when the baby poops on the shirt you just put on, or throws up down your back 5 minutes after the first shower you've managed to have in 3 days. I hope you laugh at yourself, a lot. I honestly believe you have to laugh at yourself or you'll cry your eyes out. Me, I usually do both at the same.

I hope you remember every moment & cherish them... Oh Hell NO. Please don't do that. Why do people even say that? "Remember these times, they are so precious. They grow so fast, hold onto every second." Yeah, don't bother. For one thing entire months are a flipping blur & seriously, a lot of it you'll be happy to forget. Unless you're really into bodily fluids, maybe. Me, not so much.
Instead, when the those sweet, funny, remarkable, sunlit, beautiful & otherwise perfect moments happen - take a mental picture. If it stays all gauzy and you have the time, then go grab the camera. But first, lock it in your mind. I promise you, when the roller coaster car is flying off the rails, you'll remember - and be able to laugh.

I hope you believe... You're already an outstanding mommy.

Lost Fox Hunting

Alright, I'm a military brat. We fall into 2 categories - the ones that care about having stuff, and the ones that don't. For me, all my things make me feel at home, even when I know its just stuff. I'm the creepy Junk Lady muppet at the end of Labyrinth. Seriously, I'm practically a hoarder. I don't trash things until I'm damn sure I'm never gonna need it again. Or no one I know will ever need it again. And if anyone, anywhere, maybe can use it, I'm donating it.

The Junk Lady from Labyrinth

Really. I have a storage unit that can stand as testimony to this. I have had things in storage since 2004. We aren't going to talk about the money lost there, ok? This ain't about that.

I know this about myself. Those who love me know this about me. Sister Cat once spent an entire day helping me sort through my childhood stuff to find what was precious and worth holding onto vs. what was trash. It was damn near the HARDEST thing I've ever done. HARDER THAN LABOR. Seriously. See, I couldn't displace it because the pain was in my soul, not my body.
Am I nuts? Maybe but whatever, this isn't about that either.

This is not to say that I don't ever lose things. I sure do. And when I do, it's usually an item of crazy importance or value. A brand new iPhone - yep, lost one of those. Several hundred of dollars in CA$H, yes. I don't want to talk about. Suffice to say: When mama fucks up, she does it big. And it is devastating to me in so many ways - so, ya know, I go pretty far to avoid it.

You know who does lose things? Kids. It's the way it is, and the way they learn valuable life lessons, I guess. Oh man, it kills me every damn time one of my kids misplace something. I have gone searching for lost loveys all over stores and neighborhoods. I know how devastating it is to me and I want to spare them, and me, the pain. For a while my son had a really bad habit of throwing things when we were out & expecting them to come back. Too much Toy Story, probably. He believes his toys will find a way to get home. They didn't & he's gotten better about doing it. Lesson learned.

I'm being honest here, so let's also say I'm a little OCD about their toys. Maybe that's an understatement. It drives me INSANE when we go to play with something and it's not all there, and then in that moment its a panic & Boy is whining or Girl is repeating the same request over and over. My head just started thumping on one side with remembered anxiety.

When we go out there are things that do not leave the house. At this point in our lives they are too easily lost or fought over in public play grounds and, again, I no longer want to spend my day retracing my steps for something that fell off the stroller tray when (God forbid) I wasn't looking. Or that becomes cause for my son to beat yours up in the sandbox. I don't have the patience for that sort of thing. Control issues? Check.

So as I go along about my day I'm always keeping an eye on the Special Toys. The current loves of my children's lives. Frequently, when I see them discarded out of the way, I'll scoop them up and put them on a dresser or in the bed. Because ultimately it is easier for me. If my kid is whining about where his favorite dinosaur is, I can tell him it's on his bed. Problem solved. I don't have to go searching while his crazy gets out of control & my patience wanes.

But hey, that is my JOB. I'm an at home mommy. My job is to know which things are important today & where they are. Pretty much at all times. I patrol my apartment like a prison guard, counting inmates & watching for new gang members. It is not my husband's job. I get that. He doesn't have the time or patience to pay attention to those details in the same way I do, because he has 2 buildings to keep an eye on all day, while I'm with the 2 kids.

Which is I why I shouldn't be so annoyed by what happened last night. For those who aren't friends on Facebook, I will explain. I left the apartment at 5:30 for yoga. When I got back about 8:30 it was bedtime for kiddos. Only no Foxy was to be found. We searched, nothing. Got the kids in bed. Searched again. Nowhere. This is not possible. She must be here somewhere. They didn't go out. No one came over. All I kept thinking was, "How could he have let Foxy get misplaced??!!"

Mama Foxy & Lil Foxy

If you don't know already, Foxy is Winter Girl's little lovey. Only about 5" high, and easily held & cuddled by my wee girl. She is the baby of a set from Ikea. Girl LOVES her. She is the Velveteen Rabbit of our home - Foxy is most certainly Real.

She has gone missing before. A couple of weeks before Christmas. My husband and I were both confident Foxy had not left the apartment. After we tore the place apart and couldn't find her, we had to reluctantly conclude she'd been been lost while everyone was distracted on a walk to the car.

Again, being honest, I was probably more upset than Winter Girl. She looked, and asked for Foxy, but she was fairly satisfied with Mama Foxy at bedtime and other small companions throughout the day.  About a week later - when life had started to move on without mention of Foxy - my husband found her where he had apparently stashed her leaving that morning - IN HIS COAT POCKET. Seriously??!! Buttmunch. But ok she was found

When it came to Girl's love for Foxy, well, absence certainly made the heart grow fonder.  Now when we are getting her in the stroller, Girl will ask for Foxy if she's not already clinched in a little chubby fist. When Foxy falls/is thrown out of the crib, there is a clear wail of "MOMMY - I NEED FOXY!"

So naturally, I tore the apartment upside down this morning. Every drawer, every bin, every closet. Nothing.
Until 5 minutes ago.
With renewed purpose I took a break from writing this rant to check in all the toy bins again. And damned if I didn't find her! Way in the back of the basket of blocks. I don't know how either my husband or I could have missed her there. It's not like she blends in - she's orange and plush, for Pete's sake.

Unless... No, I'm not going to even type that... Let's just say maybe I've been watching a little too much Toy Story too.

Maybe He's Allergic to Sleep?

“Am I sleeping? Have I slept at all?”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

This was how yesterday began.

Having only gone to sleep around 2am, I wake up barely after five as Summer Boy climbs into bed with me. And, although I'm honestly still asleep, I can tell by how alert he is that he's been up & "doing things". Oh fudge.
After a few moments it sinks in that he is talking about being hurt. What?! Oh, a thorn in his "paw" - he has a stick of some kind in between his fingers & wants me to play doctor. Right. Grab it, pluck it out & as I toss it on my side table I feel the eraser tip. Eraser = Pencil. Groggy brain makes it's way to the fact that we only have pencils in the kitchen.
Double fudge.
ALRIGHTY THEN! Mommy's awake now. Off and running to check for signs of damage, first on my son, next in the apartment.

My love, my big strong boy, who has been braking out of baby proofed areas since he could walk. In our place, the daycare, friends' places & public spaces... What he can't open, he climbs over. If he can't scale it he will just knock it over or bring the walls down trying. I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, and I truly wish I was. We have gates up - but that's to corral the daughter, as they barely slow the boy down.

Thankfully it was only a pencil he found & decided to play with.  A wandering toddler can get into considerable pain & trouble in the middle of the night - I know first hand. 

I was probably younger than he is now, but I remember often getting up in the wee hours. Trying to be quiet, trying to do things for myself, exploring all the places & things I would have been directed away from if anyone, even my older brother, had been awake. On one occasion my nightlight had burned out - so naturally I stuck a nail I'd found someplace in my wanderings into the light socket. Yes, it was shocking to say the least. Another time I climbed up onto the sink in the bathroom so I could reach my dad's razor in the mirror cabinet. I remember shaving. And I remember cutting myself, and my parents being horrified at waking up to my little bloody face by the side of the bed.

Although those are probably the two worst accidents I had, there were a number of others. Needless to say, my parents made some changes to keep me in bed & out of trouble. But there is only so much a parent can do. Particularly when your child is like a Houdini Monkey.

Maybe it's genetic, because my poor son seems to have all my sleep issues. He has always taken ages to wind down. He pushes himself to stay awake, refuses to nap unless he passes out, and rarely sleeps as long as you would imagine he would. Some nights he stays awake hours past his bedtime, playing in the dark, coming into our room, putting off sleep. Some nights he goes to sleep, only to be up at 2am all ready to play. Some nights are like last night - he was tired, fell asleep (getting up once because we forgot the nightlight), and seems to have slept through the night until a reasonable hour this morning. It's frustrating for all of us, particularly since there seems to be no real rhyme or reason. I feel like we’ve tried everything short of tying him to the bed or locking him in at night.

So, what's the answer?
I really have NO flippin' idea. I am open to suggestions, though.

What I DO know is all too soon we will have to take the front off my daughter’s crib. Another transition to a toddler bed - in the room she shares with her big brother. Which means we start sleep training all over again.

It also means the odds my being awake way too damn early are about to double.

Resolve or Evolve, THAT is the Question

Time really does accelerate the older you get, doesn't it? Because, seriously, 2014?!!? I'd swear it was just 2004 last year. 

For our family 2013 was a year of significant change. Although, to be honest the last 5 years has been full of changes for me. Whether they be new relationships, babies, offices, homes, jobs, classes, teeth, foods, toys, newly walking, newly diaper free... Now, as a mommy with two toddlers almost every day brings something new to one of us. Granted, not all that is new is monumental, but "NEW" is familiar territory. 

To start this year off, we've just gotten a shiny new iMac. So for the first time in about 2 years I'm sitting at a computer and typing. Strange & oddly satisfying. It has me excited about all the things I can do. 

Like everyone, I've been thinking about what else this New Year might bring. Not starting the year pregnant or nursing makes me feel like I should have a bit more flexibility in 2014. So, what do I want to DO this year?  

I have a laundry list of things in mind, of course. Just off the top of my head: 

• Read more; read with the kids, read a novel, read more articles & interesting things that spark the old creative bug. 
• Spend more time being creative: writing, photography, more crafts with the kids. My art school days should be put to use at least a little, right? 
• Do more yoga, eat better, cook more and introduce more variety to our family menu. 
• Catch up on some brain candy - like classic Doctor Who episodes. Ok, other things too, like award winning movies, & I never finished last season's Luther, either. But chiefly I'd like to go back and catch up on some old Who. (Not as lofty as some other goals, but honest.)

But seriously, none of that is particularly monumental. Or that needed Jan 1st as a start date. Can I call them resolutions, really? 

Thankfully my friend The Internet is here to tell me a resolution is the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones; an act of determining. Alright... I get that making new year's resolutions is an act of determination, but I'm more interested in the first bit.  Breaking down a complex notion. Because I feel like that list up there is really more about the ways in which I'd like to see me & my family grow this year.  

Growth. Seems odd to call a "determination to grow" a "resolution". I mean, isn't growth what LIFE is all about? Growth over the course of our lives - that sounds more like evolution than resolution to me.

We usually think of evolution as a scientific thing, right? Species evolving over generations to adapt to their environment, etc. But getting the dictionary out again I find evolution is a process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state: growth.  A process of gradual and relatively peaceful social, political, and economic advance.

Gradual & peaceful advancement. Continuous change from a lower to a higher state. That's more like it. In yoga we work to grow a little stronger, go a little further, deeper each day as we practice. Even if it is only the mind we can move in the direction we want to go. Each practice we aim to be determined in how we want to grow. In essence, we resolve to evolve. 

So, I say we forget about making old school resolutions, most of which we are destined to abandon and feel like crap about if we can't stick with it. Why create an opportunity for negative feelings? 

This year I'm bringing my yoga mindset out of the studio! My only resolution is to keep evolving, and to help my family & friends do the same. Growth over time, peaceful advancement. Each new day is the start of a new year, if you choose to see life from that perspective.

Namaste.