Things I Learned From My Mom

This post first appeared on my MySpace page back in June of 2007 under the title "Things Mom Taught Me".  It was one of two posts I wrote to honor my mom on the third anniversary of her death. 

Some of these pearls were passed along as advice. Most are just the kernels I gleaned from the 30 years I had with her.  That sounds like such a long time, but it was far too short.  

As Mother's Day is Sunday, and my mother's birthday is the following week, I thought it would be fitting to repost. I considered trying to organize it more concisely, or add new commentary. But I think, for now, I will leave it as written.  

From growing up in a military life where cocktail parties and wives' clubs never went out of fashion, along with a mix of common sense and southern hospitality, my mom passed along this wisdom, which I present in no way in full, and entirely at random...

• Family and friendship come before all else. She'd say "you may not always like them, but you don't stop loving people just because they are sometimes jerks."
• Always expect the very best, and be prepared for the very worst. This was true for everything, including people. This has always served me well.
• It was fine not to like something, but only if I'd actually tried it first.
• The importance of family history.
• The importance & fine art of good conversation.
• Not to be with someone just because everyone else liked them.
• Everyone deserves a second and even third chance. That doesn't mean they get a free pass, however. She might forgive, but she never really forgot. However, there was always another chance to earn back her trust and respect if you wanted to.
• The beauty of thunderstorms.
• That a power nap (also known as a sinking spell) really can be just the thing to get you going again.
• There is nothing wrong with being cute, just back it up with the ability to be serious.
• To shop for bargains, but also to know what things are worth paying full price for.
• Always have "mad money" tucked away.
• Anytime is a good time to go to a beach.
• If you want to sing, then go right ahead and sing (maybe she got this from Sesame Street).
• The best quality a friend or lover can have is the ability to make you laugh.
• It is important to know your own body & it's always ok to question your doctor - the doctor's not in your skin, after all.
• There is nothing finer than popping off your shoes and sticking your feet on the dash.
• Any time you can take off your shoes, you should.
• To always go upstairs on my toes, because it would make my calves strong (it did).
• My mother never did yoga, or pilates, or anything like that. But there were exercises she'd learned as a girl, and she passed these along to me. Mostly, it boiled down to the value of stretching out the limbs, and the back. Because being limber is as important as being strong. (Maybe more so, really)
• How to shop for clothes without trying them on - and have them fit when I get them home.
• Buying clothing basics that flatter your figure & never goes out of style will always give you the best value. Then you can add pieces or accessories that make a look more "trendy" and "in fashion". This way you have a more "timeless" style.
• Birthdays are important. Everyone's birthday is their day; on that day they get to do what they want, watch what they want, eat what they want & be celebrated.
• There is absolutely nothing wrong with being silly, no matter how old you are. How else does one stay young at heart?
• There are certain things everyone should know, even if they don't honestly care. The important thing being that other people would care and would be talking about it. A well-rounded individual should at least know the outcome - and thus not be lost in the conversation. These things included:
  • Who won each of the Triple Crown horse races
  • Who won the Super Bowl, the World Series, the NBA playoffs, etc.
  • Who won pop-culture events (like American Idol)

• Learning to wash your own clothes, basic sewing, change a tire, cook a good steak, make yourself eggs the way you like them (particularly when you are sick) - such things are essential to growing up.
• You can be the most beautiful or the smartest or the most accomplished - but if you are ugly to people, it won't matter. Pretty is as pretty does.
• If you never start wearing foundation makeup, you may never need it. Seriously, I wasn't allowed to wear more than powder, eyeliner & blush as a young teenager, and 20 years later, I rarely wear more than that now.
• On Christmas morning everyone should take turns opening gifts, because it really should be more fun to give than it is to receive.
• Basic Yiddish phrases. Although I haven't figured out why she ever knew them to begin with.
• The value of a B-horror movie, whether it's new or old, in English or over-dubbed.
• That "pet people" belong with other "pet people".
• Any occasion can be a "special" occasion and you should use the good china, the good linen, and the good silver for it. Otherwise, why have that stuff taking up space?

• Blood may be thicker than water, but it is love that defines a family.

Why is it on Wednesdays I Wear Pink?

"On Wednesdays we wear pink" is a line from the smart and funny movie Mean Girls. So the short explanation for why I've adopted this rule is because I like celebrating something that is smart and funny. However, for me it is much more than that.

If you were around at the beginning of April 2014, you know about a little thing Hot Mess Mom called #Underboobpalooza. Maybe you noticed - it had FB buzz for a few days. It was a funny way to go about raising awareness and money for breast cancer research.

I love to find the silver linings, so I shared, posted, and prodded at folks to participate in this serious silliness. I also vowed to post my own #underboob on my FB page when the goal was met. That looked a little something like this:

As promised, check out #TheDoctor Potato Head lending his support for HMM's Underboobpalooza.
In fact, he's also supporting the site of one of my very own surgical biopsy scars.
So far I've been #cancerfree, but this disease gallops through my family. While Hot Mess Mom put the fun in this fundraiser - this campaign has also been very personal. It was important for me to lend my voice via this page & I greatly appreciate your support.
The initial goal for this one-week campaign of $10,000+ for breast cancer research was reached today, & HMM's Underboobpalooza page will remain active. You can also be sure come October I will be out waiving a pink flag to raise awareness & dollars.

Being a part of this fundraiser sparked something in me, and I although I didn't know it until I was typing that status I had decided that I NEEDED to do more.

I've known about breast cancer all my life, literally. My grandmother, and both her daughters - my mom and my aunt - all had breast cancer, each with different outcomes. While they didn't all die from the cancer, all of them are gone now. Unfortunately I don't really have their medical history, and know much less about the cancer history of our extended family.

Honestly, when I was young I was happy enough not to know details. Because - seriously - cancer is scary.

I knew enough to know that I had a target on my back. 

Before I was 30, when a doctor was alarmed and wanted first a sonogram, then a needle biopsy  I knew I would say yes. I knew when the oncologist took one look at my chart and asked if she could schedule a surgical biopsy right away - just days before Christmas - that I could not think twice. Thankfully, I also soon knew the undeniable relief of hearing the results were clear.

In the years following my biopsies I was encouraged to get genetic testing. I balked. I couldn't wrap my brain around why I would do it. As I couldn't see myself having preventative mastectomies. Wouldn't I just be getting a more detailed look at the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head? No, thanks, I'll just wait 'til it falls.

Of course, I was young and all those ladies in my family were still alive. Plenty of time to worry about it later.  Get more info from the women who had lived to tell the tale... But like the testing, I put off the hard conversations and then it was too late.

Mom and my aunt died six months apart; they have been gone almost a decade. When my grandmother lost both her daughters,  not terribly long after her husband died, she understandably let most painful things retreat from her mind. 

So, there I was: Last woman standing. Alone, being the only female of my generation to blossom on that branch of the family tree.

I admit to getting pissed off about my own naïveté, as well as the way my family handled the subject. I should know more. And they should be here to tell their stories and guide me. 

So few months back I had a mammogram. And then immediately a sonogram. Bonus - I'm also one of those lucky ladies for whom such diagnostic tools are almost inconclusive. So while neither showed anything of any real concern, again doctors have strongly urged me to get genetic testing. ASAP.

I'm 2 months away from my 40th birthday. My family history is scary and I have a decision to make. Because now I'm a mom and an aunt. I have a daughter, as does my brother. So I'm thinking I need to learn all I can so they can have answers.

Wow - What in the hell does ALL of that have to do with Wearing Pink on Wednesdays?

Well just this: #Underboobpalooza made me realize that I needed to stop ignoring the Scary Sword of Cancer. I needed to reach up and grab it.

Oddly, or perhaps not so unpredictably, when I reached out the first thing my brain grabbed was that movie quote. And it just clicked:

• I will wear pink on Wednesdays to remind myself that I AM IN the fight against breast cancer.
• I wear pink because I will face my fears & I will fight like a girl.
• I wear pink to honor all the women I know who have had to take up the fight against breast cancer.

I wear pink on Wednesdays to honor my mom, and my aunt, and my grandmother. Of course, those ladies were all really smart & funny. So I guess the short answer works for them too.