Friday, September 5, 2014
Anxiety Rising - What's with Today, today?
Today is a mixed bag of strange & change.
I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to keep myself in check.
"I will not cry in public." That is my mantra.
My Boy started Pre-K today.
We've been preparing. The last 2 days we've walked down to the school. Each day my Boy saying "that's my new school! Can we go in? I want to go to school!" Played in the park beside it.
The Boy was so excited & hugged his sister goodbye. Posed for photos at home & as we walked to the school. He got into the classroom & went right to playing. He wasn't concerned when Hubs had to leave. There wasn't a hint of uncertainty about him when he said bye to me a few minutes later.
I had to stop & fill in some information in the hall & before I could finish he came running out crying. Looking for me. He kept repeating "You can't leave me. I'm just scared."
I was brave. I did my best to calm him. We sang the first verse of "Sing (sing a song)" together. His little voice so quiet, quivering in a way I've never heard. I reminded him this was our song & if he felt unsure he could sing to himself & it would make it better.
That's all I had.
Thankfully it's a half day.
Now if I could just stop myself from shaking.
Now it's later in the afternoon, the Boy made it through the morning. I left him with his sister & the sitter.
I'm taking a Bikram yoga class. Once again there is drama from new yogis. They end up storming out of the room during the floor series, stepping over my mat because I'm near the door. One of their mats double smacks me in the face.
Alright then. Focus. Get back into the meditation.
Several times during class I'm choking back tears. There is so much emotion tying my muscles and joints into stiff knots.
I fell asleep after class while in my final resting pose (mama needed rest). I was awakened by a blast of cold air as a woman burst back into the room and said "Joan Rivers is dead! You just know Melissa is going to be devastated."
Um, yes. I am ffamiliar with that emotion. Thank you for ripping me back to reality with news of death & mourning. I totally feel refreshed now.
Cut to the dentist's office.
A fairly routine procedure to remove a temporary crown and install the new ones is made difficult by the temporary adhesive not wanting to come off.
It is a well documented fact that I loathe the dentist. I struggle to remain calm during a cleaning. My teeth are sensitive, and I've had so many bad experiences with crappy dentists.
I'm trying though, I'm trying to stay even keeled. I can tell the dentist is trying to be gentle, but she finally decides she will need to numb the area. But I'm just too jacked up now. The adrenaline is pumping, my heart is racing, and even the feeling of the Novocaine being injected into the gum is freaking me out.
And then the full blown panic attack I've been trying to avoid all day has me. I suppress the scream, but I squeal enough that the dentist and her assistant pull back as I sit straight up in the chair. Trying to regain control of my breathing. Hoping I won't go into a full flop sweat. I keep apologizing, but I'm not sure why. I have no control over this.
It is taking everything I have not to just leave. I can live without teeth. Or maybe you just pull out what's left of this tooth that is hurting so badly? Because the screaming from the tooth is ringing my jaw bone like a bell in my ears.
The Novocaine is starting to work. The pain in my jaw is beginning to fuzz out. My breath is returning to normal.
Finally I'm able to relax enough to let her finish. Somewhere in there the numbing effect reaches it's peak, and I make a joke about it.
Back home and I'm still uneasy. It's all been too much today. I can't find words to express it properly on my page on Facebook. But I see this ripple from so many of my friends. So much angst. So many people talking about headaches, migraines, taking a break from people. Amy texts me from Alaska. Her fiancé is having a health crisis. It's all too much.
What's with Today? All I can think is there is a disturbance in the Force.
And all I can do is hope and pray that tomorrow will be a brand new day. A brighter day.