Reflections on Conscious Coupling

Sheesh! Lots of talk on the interwebs today about consciously uncoupling. Who's doing it & what the hell does that even mean?

Eh, no one here in Toddlerville has a clue about that stuff. 'Round these parts we are all about the coupling that was solidified 3 years ago today. That would be Hubs & lil ol' me - Serendipity.

I won't bore anyone will all the delightful wedding details. (5 hour open bar!) I will admit, however, to being outshone at my own wedding by the cutest attendant EVER - the darling Boy, then 10 months old.

Now, some folks would say we did things a bit backwards. Some would probably say we eventually did the "right thing."  I can say with certainty lots of people didn't understand why we were doing it at all. Frankly I would imagine that whatever most folks thought, they reckoned we got married to "legalize" our family.

Of course, there's truth in that. But as beautiful and amazing as my Boy is (or any kid, for that matter), he's no reason to take the plunge into wedded bliss.

In case you're not a regular (of the blog or the bar), Hubs and I met in our local Irish pub in Queens. At the time I was one half of another couple. So we were friendly, but not friends. I can recall three honest-to-goodness conversations over the first year or so I knew him.
1st: about the tandoori chicken he was making on BBQ Sunday.
2nd: about trivia night & my possibly joining his team (never happened).
3rd: a heated discussion about baseball. He is a naturalized Mets fan & I'm a life-long Yanks fan. Yeah... As I recall we rarely chatted for a long time after that one.

Eventually I uncoupled, moved a bit further away & didn't frequent the pub as often. Then yada yada yada... I got a new iPhone and we started spending time together.

Yep, I just yada yada yada'd right over that.

Yes, the iPhone is important. As it happened, he was one of perhaps 4 people I knew with an iPhone. Two of the others were other friends at the pub. They all hung out in their spot at the bar, playing on their phones and talking about apps. Now I would maybe be put off, but 5 years ago it was kinda endearing. Particularly because they were all Irish & weren't gadgety type guys.

So when I got an iPhone I realized I had a reason to chat him up. And the rest, as they say, is history. Without speaking for Hubs, I knew pretty quickly I never again wanted to wake up without him.

Not long before I moved back to NYC some college friends got married & for their wedding gift I framed a greeting card of this Apache Wedding Prayer. I could never find a more apt or succinct definition of what would make a happy marriage.

For her part, my mother always told me to marry someone who I enjoyed even when we were mad at each other. She would tell me the truest test of a relationship is if you can argue & make up & truly move on.

Which reminds me of a fight we had early on. Hubs was literally grabbing up a bunch of movies he had scattered at my place - basically taking his toys and going home. I remember telling him that he was being silly. We were arguing, not ending. He could leave, but we weren't done by a long shot. I have no idea if that moment stayed with him - but that was it - I knew. Ya know?

The fact is marriage should be a conscious coupling. We had options & marriage wasn't the only, or easiest, one. As the vows often say, it's not something to be entered into lightly. Hubs & I married because we wanted to stand up, in front of all the friends & loved ones we could gather, and declare that we were on this path Together. 

Marriage is a union, a joining of lives and families. So while it was strange to lots of my friends, it made sense to me to take his family name. 

Did it all make some things easier, legally? You bet. 

But what mattered is just this: I am able to say we are married, he is my husband. These words carry a whole different weight in our society than to say he is my partner. Or my lover. Or the father of my children. Or my best friend. 

He is all of those things. And So. Much. More. And THAT is why we got married. 

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I think that's kinda why anyone wants to get married. Am I wrong? 

*Any reading of this post as either a social or political statement about marriage equality would be solely based on the reader's bias & not the author's attempt to draw such parallels. 

**Not to deny I'm 100% in favor of marriage equality & sincerely don't get why anyone would be against it. But this post is just a little riff on my own choices on the occasion of my 3rd Wedding Anniversary. 

To the woman in the line next to me at IKEA Sunday night:

You saw me with my Girl in the double stroller, & my rambunctious Boy, who was standing on the trolley being attended by my husband. The Boy was playing with a $2 fake flower, and I repeatedly asked him to stop bending it. 

I was clearly frustrated, but too wrung out to deal with the fit that would surely happen if I forced him into a stroller. 

Finally I said something like, "Come on buddy, please stop that." He looked me in the eye & said "No, Mommy, I will not stop bending it." Keeping an even tone I replied "Then I will not only take the flower, but I'll also spank your bottom for being deliberately defiant."

I realized as I said it that you were watching and looked over to you. I couldn't read your expression, and avoiding confrontation I looked down before you had a chance to fully react. 

I heard you tell your companion something about my saying "deliberately defiant", & also something about kids doing whatever they want whenever they want to... but I couldn't really focus on eavesdropping while I was actively dealing with my kid. 

Having been relieved of the flower, Boy was shifting the trolley back & forth and tumbled off onto the concrete, and I watched you almost reach out as he sprang back up like the Tigger he is. 

Still trying to avoid the throws of a fit, I was telling Boy that he was going to get strapped into the stroller if he couldn't settle. But by that hour he couldn't help but be an impatient kiddo, and finally, struggling and whining, strapped in he was. 

That's when you spoke up. 

"Good parenting" you said. I looked up & saw your face was a kind smile. You went on to say you were a school teacher & you knew how hard it was to wrangle little people. You chuckled that sometimes when kids get to school and are wild you wonder "what the heck their parents have been doing." You repeated that you knew it was hard, but when parents are working on setting limits it makes a big difference when they got to school. 

I think I said something like "well, we try..."

And then you said the words we all need to hear: "Well, you're doing a good job". 

I know I smiled. And then my attention was drawn back to Girl's call for Foxy, and the Boy not knowing if he wanted a blanky or a stuffy...

You couldn't know that I worry often about my Boy being thrown out of school for being a feral brat. 

You couldn't know how I had started feeling feverish while we were in the store, or that by that point I had a splitting headache. 

You couldn't know your kindliness was a salve in a moment when I felt like curling up in the stroller and crying. 

I made sure to thank you as we left. You were surprised by that. I imagine the moment had passed for you.
But I will onto it, because I can recall your words to help me in moments of chaos.

So to the Teacher I met at the Brooklyn IKEA - Thank you.