Now What? Be Fierce, Be Kind, Be Positive

Last night, frightened and anxiously seeking security, I wrapped myself in my fuzzy blanket, snuggled up to my husband,  and struggled through a night of fitful sleep. 

This morning, I woke in the quiet of a new day, perhaps a new moment in history. As I so often do, I snapped a photo of the sunrise. The buildings, the sky, the air, it all looked blue as dawn broke somewhere in the distant grey horizon. 

But there was a little light, just some streaks of pink and peach, peeking from the underside of the clouds. 

Not exactly a silver lining, but I'll take it. 

As much as I'd like to stay wrapped in my blanket weeping for an uncertain tomorrow,  I have dried my tears. I will not concede to the dark madness. This is a new day; there is too much work to be done. 

Rather than curl up and hide, I'm reaching out. 

I'm taking hold of that glimpse of light, and pulling it in to warm my heart, casting out the shadows of fear. Like an ember in a cooling fire, I will nurture it, breathe new life into it, fuel the growing flame. 

While I feel sad today, I am renewing my promise to Be Fierce. I intend to be audacious, to be bold, to raise my voice. I understand now I cannot be too timid to join the chorus of others - our voices are louder and stronger together. 

While I feel the heavy, ugly pull of hatred and judgement in the world, I will not get mired in that swamp. I will never cease to Be Kind. I know in my heart the path forward must be paved with understanding, empathy, and compassion - most especially for those with whom we disagree. 

So while I may be afraid or angry, I am not going to turn to the Dark Side; I am going to continue to Be Positive. There is so much love in the world, and where there is love there is hope. Love and hope will trump hate. 

Yes, I have turned my focus to that glimmer of light I caught this morning. More - I'm going to grab hold of it, and weave those peaches and pinks into my wardrobe, and I'm going to shine.  

If you find yourself in the dark today, feeling cold and alone, I encourage you to seek out the light. Be warmed. Be renewed. 

Then take your light to the world. Shine as brightly as you can. Share your love, feed your hope, join the chorus. 

Be Fierce. Be Kind. Be Positive. 

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." 

- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban -

Fiercely Letting it Shine

A few nights ago a friend reached out to me, dismayed that as Serendipity I am not shining a light on the real struggles many parents face every day. I fail to talk about the daily grind many face to put food on the table, to carve out quality time with their children, if they even have a chance to see their kids at all. 

For a moment, I admit, I felt like lashing out. Although I knew she was giving me her thoughts with and out of respect, I was really hurt. Frankly, I was also confused, because I certainly struggle with things beyond dropping my full Venti Starbucks Latte* all over the bathroom before Girl’s ballet class.

*Yes, that happened. Funnily enough, I don’t think I posted about it. Because it was a day that was full of highs and lows and in the end, there is no use crying over spilled coffee. 

Make no mistake, I know my life is pretty fecking amazing. I am married to a man I truly love (even when I'd like to throat punch him), who blessed me with two fantastic and outrageous children. We are lucky that he has a good job, which provides for us to be comfortable, and for me not to have to work outside of the home. He’s also in a union, which provides us affordable access to good health insurance. And that is truly fortunate, because I have been laid up with one broken/torn piece or another for the better part of a year. It also allows us to address the issues that have come up with The Rebels. 

But honestly, what took me by surprise was that whether or not I struggle, or what I struggle with isn’t really relevant. 

Jaime Grayson (TheBabyGuyNYC) often replies to comments he receives with "I don’t know your struggle." And while he often does so as a humorous response, it's honestly the most accurate thing anyone can say. 

Every day each of us will struggle. With what and how we chose to handle it, those are things that an outsider can never really speak to. 

I don't know your struggle. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about it. I am glad to listen, should you chose to tell me. What it means is, I don’t have the experience of your life to put this moment in context. Without meaning this to be dismissive, I frankly don't see "the struggle" as the total of your life's story. And while it may be real, my struggle isn’t all of my story. 

By way of example, SisterCat (who is like my sister & is cool with my referring to her by that name), is a single mom. I cannot imagine being in her shoes. Single parenthood is literally my worst nightmare. However, it's the only situation she's known as a mother. As it happens, she lives near her own parents, and has (in my view) an incredible support system of local friends. 

In contrast, neither Hubs' nor my families are remotely local. And because of his job, we have moved away from the family of friends that we have here in NYC. So for us, there's no one who can watch the kids in a pinch. Childcare is paid for, and not cheaply. This is not a complaint, it is the story of our normal life. I'm sure there are times SisterCat cannot imagine dealing with my circumstances. 

For all the similarities between SisterCat and I, for all the times we chat and laugh & bitch about our kids, motherhood is different for each of us. If she makes choices that I would not make, I can’t honestly say I understand or don’t, because I can never walk in her shoes. 

After some thought, this was my reply to my friend who called me out: "I would say that for the most part, I am not focusing on more than finding the bright spots. [I’m] looking for the humor in all of it. I'm blessed in lots of ways. But the fact is that I struggle with not crying my eyes out over [my pain] & over all the bad shite. [Instead] I truly try to shine out the light I want to find.”

So if you think I’m all rainbows and kittens, let me drop some truth on you. I am not always nice. In person I am probably too loud, and I’m certain I yell too often and too loudly at my children. I swear like the sailor’s daughter I am, and I’m terrible about watching my language around my own children. The Rebels each have their own struggles, and they test my weaknesses, often without even meaning too. I pray every day for more patience. I cry, often, in frustration. I get mad & I vent & I do my best to let my anger go. I apologize. A lot. 

I’ve said before, I’m not trying to blow sunshine up your pipes. Well, maybe by sharing #SunriseInToddlerville/#SunriseInRebelshire photos all the time I am, actually. The thing is, each morning I wake up, I roll over, and I look outside. Every dawn is different. Every day is different. 

That IS my perspective. That is MY goal: To see each day new. It is my choice to not focus my energy and attention on the negatives. I cannot change what came before today. I can own my part. I can learn from it and move forward. Every day I try and be the smile in the crowd. I try to keep an open mind and an open heart. Each day I try, and when I fail, and when I fall, I take what I need to recover. Then I try again. 

If you follow me on social media you’ll probably know that EVERY week I post about my #OnWednesdaysWeWearPink campaign. What started as a reminder for myself that I am part of the fight against breast cancer has grown to something larger. I still want to call on everyone (guys and gals alike) to check their humps for lumps. But early on I recognized that it was a weekly reminder to empower myself. 

In turn, it has become my weekly reminder to everyone: #BeFierce, #BeKind, #BePositive. #BeTheLight or #BeTheLightYouWantToSee.  The last week in thinking about all the ways we each battle through our days I decided to add  #YouAreWorthFightingFor to my list of reminders. 

So do I hope that I’m creating a space that brings joy or humor or in some small way is a bright spot in your day? Absolutely. 

Do I think I need to enumerate all the things that could be holding you down, making you want to hide under your covers and give in? Nope. 

Just know that someone believes You Are Worth Fighting For. 

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Anxiety Rising - What's with Today, today?

Today is a mixed bag of strange & change. 

I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to keep myself in check. 

"I will not cry in public." That is my mantra. 

My Boy started Pre-K today. 

We've been preparing. The last 2 days we've walked down to the school. Each day my Boy saying "that's my new school! Can we go in? I want to go to school!"  Played in the park beside it. 

The Boy was so excited & hugged his sister goodbye. Posed for photos at home & as we walked to the school. He got into the classroom & went right to playing. He wasn't concerned when Hubs had to leave. There wasn't a hint of uncertainty about him when he said bye to me a few minutes later.  

I had to stop & fill in some information in the hall & before I could finish he came running out crying. Looking for me. He kept repeating "You can't leave me. I'm just scared."

I was brave. I did my best to calm him. We sang the first verse of "Sing (sing a song)" together. His little voice so quiet, quivering in a way I've never heard. I reminded him this was our song & if he felt unsure he could sing to himself & it would make it better. 

That's all I had. 

Thankfully it's a half day. 

Now if I could just stop myself from shaking. 

----

Now it's later in the afternoon, the Boy made it through the morning. I left him with his sister & the sitter. 

I'm taking a Bikram yoga class. Once again there is drama from new yogis. They end up storming out of the room during the floor series, stepping over my mat because I'm near the door. One of their mats double smacks me in the face. 

Alright then. Focus. Get back into the meditation. 

Several times during class I'm choking back tears. There is so much emotion tying my muscles and joints into stiff knots. 

I fell asleep after class while in my final resting pose (mama needed rest). I was awakened by a blast of cold air as a woman burst back into the room and said "Joan Rivers is dead! You just know Melissa is going to be devastated."

Um, yes. I am ffamiliar with that emotion. Thank you for ripping me back to reality with news of death & mourning. I totally feel refreshed now. 

----

Cut to the dentist's office. 

A fairly routine procedure to remove a temporary crown and install the new ones is made difficult by the temporary adhesive not wanting to come off. 

It is a well documented fact that I loathe the dentist. I struggle to remain calm during a cleaning. My teeth are sensitive, and I've had so many bad experiences with crappy dentists. 

I'm trying though, I'm trying to stay even keeled. I can tell the dentist is trying to be gentle, but she finally decides she will need to numb the area. But I'm just too jacked up now. The adrenaline is pumping, my heart is racing, and even the feeling of the Novocaine being injected into the gum is freaking me out. 

And then the full blown panic attack I've been trying to avoid all day has me. I suppress the scream, but I squeal enough that the dentist and her assistant pull back as I sit straight up in the chair. Trying to regain control of my breathing. Hoping I won't go into a full flop sweat. I keep apologizing, but I'm not sure why. I have no control over this. 

It is taking everything I have not to just leave. I can live without teeth. Or maybe you just pull out what's left of this tooth that is hurting so badly? Because the screaming from the tooth is ringing my jaw bone like a bell in my ears. 

The Novocaine is starting to work. The pain in my jaw is beginning to fuzz out. My breath is returning to normal. 

Finally I'm able to relax enough to let her finish. Somewhere in there the numbing effect reaches it's peak, and I make a joke about it. 

----

Back home and I'm still uneasy. It's all been too much today. I can't find words to express it properly on my page on Facebook. But I see this ripple from so many of my friends. So much angst. So many people talking about headaches, migraines, taking a break from people. Amy texts me from Alaska. Her fiancé is having a health crisis. It's all too much. 

What's with Today? All I can think is there is a disturbance in the Force. 

And all I can do is hope and pray that tomorrow will be a brand new day. A brighter day.