"Run" down Memory Lane: a Sunday Confession

There is a jukebox in my head. 

Well, no, that's just silly. 

Truth is, there is a little chick who lives in my brain and she's in charge of finding things. 

This chick digs music. I imagine that for her the songs are somehow tied into the filing system. I don't get how it works, but it's totally clear that her system is musical. 

So when I hear a word like "run" the chick in my head fires up the old laptop. She does a search & then she just starts hitting play. 

First Pink starts things off singing Where I can run, just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere...

Next thing I know the chick has mashed up Just Like a Pill with Brian Adams Run to You. And frankly, it's not working. All I'm getting from this is a headache & crowd of long smokey evenings spent at the pub. 

Maybe I've got no.... Wait?! What's this? Snow Patrol? Oh, I could listen to this song all night... 

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Again I recall nights at the pub when the song first hit in the US. The band was a favorite of the bartender & so it was on a loop. 

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Flash forward (or back?): 

I was pregnant with Girl. Still working, I had a long commute & spent a lots of car time listening to music. Three or more hours, without distractions, to just think. It was a dubious luxury. 

Somehow in all that time spent alone with my thoughts and heightened hormones, I became paranoid that I was going to die delivering my daughter. And I was terrified that my son would feel betrayed. 

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want's to find an easy way

To get out of our little heads

I knew I had to get past it, but i had no idea what to do? My Boy was only 18 months old when the Girl was born. How do you convey a lifetime of love to someone so young? Preparing him for the new baby was hard enough, and I here I felt like he was going to gain a sister and lose his mommy in a terrible swap. 

Have heart, my dear   We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days   Making up for all this mess

I thought about it all the time.

Until one day I found the lovely children's book I Love You Through and Through. I had found my solution. I inscribed it: "For my darling Boy - with all my love. xoxo Mommy" 

Then I packed it in my hospital bag. A true token of his mother's love, ready to be given to my son when he came to meet his baby sister. 

Even if I wasn't there to give it to him. 

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear