Plus 2 Surprise Babies Makes Us A Lucky Seven

Families are complex. At least mine always has been. 

Do you remember the Newhart tv series in the 80s with a character called Larry and his brothers, Daryl and Daryl? Well, thanks to my blended family, I actually have three brothers, and two are named James. Although neither went by "James," as a kid I loved introducing us in just the way Larry did on the show. 

Maybe that's why I always imagined I'd grow up to have a classic sit-com nuclear family: Me and my spouse, our 3 children, 2 cats and 1 dog. 

Reality? We had two babies 18 months apart, then moved into a small 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan. Not only did that nix the fur babies, but pretty much my dreams of a third child. 

Which is why I was wistfully bemused a few weeks ago, as we neared the end of an excruciatingly long day in the car, when my two delightful little rebels started talking about how they wanted more siblings.

4 kids & only 1 me? Oh hell, no. 

I thought they were kidding. 

Nope. According to them I need to deliver a baby post-haste.  

Naturally, my Girl wants a sister, my Boy wants a brother. So I'll need to produce fraternal twins. 

Check out the kid-logic sales pitch: 

• BOTH insist a new baby can sleep in their beds with them. 
• They will share ALL their toys. 
• There will be no crying, no fighting, and rainbows will fill the baby's diapers, which my 4 and 6 year olds will obviously change themselves. 

When I reminded them of their unwillingness to even share my fecking lap when I try to read to them, they suggested the solution was I needed a second husband.  

Seriously?!

Oh yeah, they did. For the rest of the drive they spun an elaborate tale of our 2 dads, 4 kids, 1 mom life in a 2 bedroom apartment in New York City. 

Slumping in the passenger seat, I couldn't help but feel exhausted by the mere conjecture. 

Spotlight on 5 Valuable Things my MRI Actually Revealed

I slid into a tube, on my knees, draped over a barrel. With my head tucked in, arms stretched ahead Super Girl style, my hooters hung out like socks on a clothesline. Headphones in place, I closed my eyes & tried to melt into the techno beat of an MRI machine. 

Just before this high tech breast exam started, the technician suggested I not breathe too deeply, because that would move the chesticles & the whole ordeal would take longer.  

Maybe the breathing note was the last straw, or maybe the whole scene was written and no amount of improv on my part could have changed the plot. With every whoop-whoop of the machine, I felt the panic rising. 

I tried to go to my happy place. I tried not to breathe deeply and yet still meditate. When that failed I tried to sing show tunes, tell myself jokes, sing 99 bottles of beer... 

Then I heard the technician say, "You're doing great, ma'am. Only 17 more minutes. How are you doing?" 

Yeah... That's when I lost my shite. 

In the few minutes that followed, while the techs talked me down from the ledge and back into the machine, I learned 5 very valuable things:  

• It does help to focus on the big picture. I was not there for myself; I was there for my family. Truly, if I were a single woman I think I'd have said fuck it and left. But with my family history of breast cancer, having this screening is important as both a parent and a wife. So I needed find a way back in that tube. 

• I can handle any of my fears if I can look them in the eye. (When I can't, I lose my shite.) I've long known I'm a bit of a control freak. But as the techs were asking me what they could do to get me to go on with the test, I realized this was more than just giving up control. I was freaked out because I couldn't use my sight to focus outside of my position. TRYING to look around was my problem. In this situation, I had to close my eyes and rely on my other senses. 

• When I can't see, I need to feel my way. I don't necessarily mean with my heart. I mean literally. When the tech took my hands & told me I could handle this; even blind and barely able to breathe, I believed her. To her credit, that wonderful lady stood outside the MRI tube, while I held on for dear life. There is great power and healing in the human touch. 

• When I really can't handle my situation, the bravest thing I can do is speak up & ask for help. I am the strong one, the one who endures and tries very hard not to complain. Yet as a mom, I tell my kids when they feel like they can't be brave, they can lean on me & together we can face anything. The reason, I say, is asking for help shows more bravery than anything else. In the middle of my panic attack, I was reminded mommy is also stronger when she lets herself be vulnerable & accepts that she cannot tackle everything on her own. 

• Oh, and the final thing I learned during my breast MRI? Mammograms are NOT the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done with my boobs. Actually, this whole experience was seriously awkward. Physically & emotionally. Of course, the most valuable lessons are often uncomfortable to learn. 

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Things I Learned From My Mom

This post first appeared on my MySpace page back in June of 2007 under the title "Things Mom Taught Me".  It was one of two posts I wrote to honor my mom on the third anniversary of her death. 

Some of these pearls were passed along as advice. Most are just the kernels I gleaned from the 30 years I had with her.  That sounds like such a long time, but it was far too short.  

As Mother's Day is Sunday, and my mother's birthday is the following week, I thought it would be fitting to repost. I considered trying to organize it more concisely, or add new commentary. But I think, for now, I will leave it as written.  

From growing up in a military life where cocktail parties and wives' clubs never went out of fashion, along with a mix of common sense and southern hospitality, my mom passed along this wisdom, which I present in no way in full, and entirely at random...

• Family and friendship come before all else. She'd say "you may not always like them, but you don't stop loving people just because they are sometimes jerks."
• Always expect the very best, and be prepared for the very worst. This was true for everything, including people. This has always served me well.
• It was fine not to like something, but only if I'd actually tried it first.
• The importance of family history.
• The importance & fine art of good conversation.
• Not to be with someone just because everyone else liked them.
• Everyone deserves a second and even third chance. That doesn't mean they get a free pass, however. She might forgive, but she never really forgot. However, there was always another chance to earn back her trust and respect if you wanted to.
• The beauty of thunderstorms.
• That a power nap (also known as a sinking spell) really can be just the thing to get you going again.
• There is nothing wrong with being cute, just back it up with the ability to be serious.
• To shop for bargains, but also to know what things are worth paying full price for.
• Always have "mad money" tucked away.
• Anytime is a good time to go to a beach.
• If you want to sing, then go right ahead and sing (maybe she got this from Sesame Street).
• The best quality a friend or lover can have is the ability to make you laugh.
• It is important to know your own body & it's always ok to question your doctor - the doctor's not in your skin, after all.
• There is nothing finer than popping off your shoes and sticking your feet on the dash.
• Any time you can take off your shoes, you should.
• To always go upstairs on my toes, because it would make my calves strong (it did).
• My mother never did yoga, or pilates, or anything like that. But there were exercises she'd learned as a girl, and she passed these along to me. Mostly, it boiled down to the value of stretching out the limbs, and the back. Because being limber is as important as being strong. (Maybe more so, really)
• How to shop for clothes without trying them on - and have them fit when I get them home.
• Buying clothing basics that flatter your figure & never goes out of style will always give you the best value. Then you can add pieces or accessories that make a look more "trendy" and "in fashion". This way you have a more "timeless" style.
• Birthdays are important. Everyone's birthday is their day; on that day they get to do what they want, watch what they want, eat what they want & be celebrated.
• There is absolutely nothing wrong with being silly, no matter how old you are. How else does one stay young at heart?
• There are certain things everyone should know, even if they don't honestly care. The important thing being that other people would care and would be talking about it. A well-rounded individual should at least know the outcome - and thus not be lost in the conversation. These things included:
  • Who won each of the Triple Crown horse races
  • Who won the Super Bowl, the World Series, the NBA playoffs, etc.
  • Who won pop-culture events (like American Idol)

• Learning to wash your own clothes, basic sewing, change a tire, cook a good steak, make yourself eggs the way you like them (particularly when you are sick) - such things are essential to growing up.
• You can be the most beautiful or the smartest or the most accomplished - but if you are ugly to people, it won't matter. Pretty is as pretty does.
• If you never start wearing foundation makeup, you may never need it. Seriously, I wasn't allowed to wear more than powder, eyeliner & blush as a young teenager, and 20 years later, I rarely wear more than that now.
• On Christmas morning everyone should take turns opening gifts, because it really should be more fun to give than it is to receive.
• Basic Yiddish phrases. Although I haven't figured out why she ever knew them to begin with.
• The value of a B-horror movie, whether it's new or old, in English or over-dubbed.
• That "pet people" belong with other "pet people".
• Any occasion can be a "special" occasion and you should use the good china, the good linen, and the good silver for it. Otherwise, why have that stuff taking up space?

• Blood may be thicker than water, but it is love that defines a family.