I have but one regret: I used to be called Sissy

My mama called me
Sissy in a Southern way
to this day, I miss. 

I protested once: 
Mommy, please don't call me that - 
I spat - I hate it!

In her eyes I saw
She took my words literally 
to heart - like a knife. 

No salve could I find. 
The wound - too deep - persisted
Still pained when she tried. 

My mama called me 
Sissy in a lovely way
I'll forever miss. 

I honestly don't believe in regret, and as I've written, it is my practice not to collect them. 

But if there were one moment in my life I could change, it would be this one. The careless, harsh words of my angsty teenage self could be apologized for. They could be forgiven, but they could never be forgotten.

Perhaps, given another 15 years to work on her, Mom might have been able to call me "Sissy" again without it catching in her throat, half-spoken.

Instead, over a decade after her death, I console myself with my own voice as I call my own daughter "Sissy" nearly every day. 

This is Day 11 of the
National Blog Posting Month challenge.  

Sunday Confessions: Regret?

I can honestly say, without any hesitation, I do not regret one single thing I have ever done.

Seriously, not one. 

I used to answer the question "What is your biggest regret?" by saying that I gave it up one year for Lent, and after 40 days with out it I realized I didn't need regret anymore. I put it that way to be funny, because people are not comfortable with my real answer. 

I do not regret anything. Not one moment of my life. Not one decision. From the big decisions about jobs & lovers to the little decisions about which way to drive to work or having one more glass of wine. I stand behind all of them. 

Now ask me why. Go on. Might as well, I'm telling you anyway. 

So one day I woke up and decided that I really wanted to like myself. Genuinely, unwaveringly, like the me that I am. As far as I could tell what was standing in the way of me doing that was a huge-ass pile of regret. A mountain of second guessing. A festering ugly "What IF..." looming over my life. 

How do you get rid of that? Doesn't EVERYONE have that nonsense? Isn't that part of the human condition?? 

I don't know, I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a lady (it's a figure of speech) who wants to love herself. 

So instead of trying to sweep all those poor decisions under a rug, I decided that I would embrace them all in a great big hug of forgiveness. Just go on and squeeze the power right out of them. 

And then I realized what I was doing. I was embracing the ME that I am. Each decision, each step on my journey has led me to be the person I am right this minute. 

Do not misunderstand. I certainly cringe at some of the things I did in my 20s. Okay yeah, a big chunk of my 30s was a major disaster too. But had I not made those choices then, maybe I wouldn't have made other choices. Maybe I'd never even been presented with the choices that led me to my husband. Or my children. 

People say hindsight is 20/20. Perfect clarity. I call bullshit. I say when you look back it's like looking through a small window & with blinders on. Your focus is very narrow, and no matter how perfect the glass, it always distorts reality. 

If people were designed to live life looking backward, our eyes would be on the tops of our heads and swivel around like some kind of lizard. That's all regret is. It is looking backwards when you should be looking ahead. 

If you don't like what you see in the mirror, no amount of lamenting about the past will change that. Those choices brought you to today. The choices you make NOW will determine who you see in the mirror tomorrow. 

Make your choices. Own them all. Love yourself with no regrets. 

PS - I was cleaning off some photos just now & found this quote. If you don't believe me, believe Dr. Seuss. You've probably known him all your life.