Mommy Said Yes!!

It was a morning like so many others. 

My son woke up before sunrise. His heavy footfalls on the bunk bed steps would probably wake me anyway, but amplified by the monitor that still sits by my bedside, he sounds like a small elephant crashing through any dream world I might be in. True to form, he barrels into our bedroom, bounding onto my side of the bed, bouncing on his knees, exclaiming, “Look Mom! It’s the sunrise! The Sun is rising! So NOW we can make cupcakes, right?! Now we can make the chocolate cupcakes with the sprinkles?!”

Just the day before, Friday, we had played out this scene: word for word and bounce for sleep crushing bounce. Except, of course, then I had said no. Or more precisely, “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me, dude! No. Way."

Seriously, on a school day?! I liked his teachers, why would I send them a spastic kiddo high on a breakfast of cupcakes? 

As a way to stem the whining that started at the exact moment I uttered the dreaded N-O, I allowed as how we didn’t have the ingredients anyway. It was a half day, so maybe we would go after school and pick them up. 

While Boy continued to bop on and off the bed, my uncaffinated brains sifted through the promises from Friday afternoon: made & then broken. 

A good report from school meant we had gone to the store, he had picked the cake & frosting, but no cupcakes had been made. Chaos had erupted, then time-outs that turned into very late & long naps nixed those Funtime Friday cupcakes plans. New promises of cupcakes for breakfast were made to stem the flow of tears when he woke up and learned we would not have sweets for dinner. 

Times like this I question my choices as a parent. Specifically why am I not a bait and switch parent? Why am I not like my husband who says “if you behave now maybe we can go for ice cream later” knowing damn well he will never do it. Because there are times he simply wants some fecking peace, so he will say, “Yeah, we can do that,” rather than dealing with the WhyNotButPleaseLetMe meltdowns. 

Nope, not me. At some point I found it easier for me to do what I tell the Rebels I will do. Which sometimes bites me in booty. Like, say, at the crack of dawn on a Saturday when I should be dreaming about baked goods, not debating baking them. 

Now of course shite happens, plans change, or (like with the FridayFunday cupcake chaos) behavior warrants punishment or loss of special treats, etc. But if I say yes, I intend to follow through. Which boils down to me saying a lot of NOs. No, you cannot have that toy/sweet/movie/sparkly-cool-object-of-desire right NOW. 

As one does, I try to frame the answers as possibilities. We cannot go the zoo today, but we should be able to go next week.

Still I know what my kiddos hear sound an awful lot like the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons: Whaawaa. Whaaawaaa? No, no, nonononono…

So if I was silly enough to say yes last night, you bet your fudge-flavored frosting we are having chocolate fecking cupcakes for breakfast!

Grabbing a hold of my TiggerBoy I exclaimed, "Yes. Yes, that’s what I said last night, right? Of course we will make them this morning!” 

I might not have had coffee in me, but I did have my wits enough to follow up to get a bit of wiggle room, “But, I need to take care of a few things first.”

Coffee made, kitchen tidied, laundry rotated, bakeware (unused since our recent move) found, washed, and set up. And then…

There were CUPCAKES!! 

Cupcakes for Saturday breakfast. 

Yeah, it was sweet. Even if there was still the moment when I had to cut the Boy off from eating the 5th (or was it 6th?) cupcake. 

However I hope when my Rebels are no longer little kiddos they remember that sometimes we had cupcakes for breakfast, for no reason at all. 

None, that is, except that they asked, and Mommy said “Yes!" 

*Fanfare trumpets may or may not have been blown. But silly selfies were most certainly taken*

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Sunday Confessions: Regret?

I can honestly say, without any hesitation, I do not regret one single thing I have ever done.

Seriously, not one. 

I used to answer the question "What is your biggest regret?" by saying that I gave it up one year for Lent, and after 40 days with out it I realized I didn't need regret anymore. I put it that way to be funny, because people are not comfortable with my real answer. 

I do not regret anything. Not one moment of my life. Not one decision. From the big decisions about jobs & lovers to the little decisions about which way to drive to work or having one more glass of wine. I stand behind all of them. 

Now ask me why. Go on. Might as well, I'm telling you anyway. 

So one day I woke up and decided that I really wanted to like myself. Genuinely, unwaveringly, like the me that I am. As far as I could tell what was standing in the way of me doing that was a huge-ass pile of regret. A mountain of second guessing. A festering ugly "What IF..." looming over my life. 

How do you get rid of that? Doesn't EVERYONE have that nonsense? Isn't that part of the human condition?? 

I don't know, I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a lady (it's a figure of speech) who wants to love herself. 

So instead of trying to sweep all those poor decisions under a rug, I decided that I would embrace them all in a great big hug of forgiveness. Just go on and squeeze the power right out of them. 

And then I realized what I was doing. I was embracing the ME that I am. Each decision, each step on my journey has led me to be the person I am right this minute. 

Do not misunderstand. I certainly cringe at some of the things I did in my 20s. Okay yeah, a big chunk of my 30s was a major disaster too. But had I not made those choices then, maybe I wouldn't have made other choices. Maybe I'd never even been presented with the choices that led me to my husband. Or my children. 

People say hindsight is 20/20. Perfect clarity. I call bullshit. I say when you look back it's like looking through a small window & with blinders on. Your focus is very narrow, and no matter how perfect the glass, it always distorts reality. 

If people were designed to live life looking backward, our eyes would be on the tops of our heads and swivel around like some kind of lizard. That's all regret is. It is looking backwards when you should be looking ahead. 

If you don't like what you see in the mirror, no amount of lamenting about the past will change that. Those choices brought you to today. The choices you make NOW will determine who you see in the mirror tomorrow. 

Make your choices. Own them all. Love yourself with no regrets. 

PS - I was cleaning off some photos just now & found this quote. If you don't believe me, believe Dr. Seuss. You've probably known him all your life. 

I'd Like to Say I'm Sorry, but Maybe I'm Not

Someone has come to me out of the past, reviving a feeling I'd long since forgotten. What, what is this I'm feeling? Is it pleasure? Panic? Am I hungry? 
-Debi, Grosse Point Blank-

Long ago and far away, I met a girl who shared my birthday, only one year younger. Very soon after meeting we were like peas & carrots. More like 2 peas in a pod. Although our particular pod always seemed to need a third pea for proper balance. We were so alike in so many ways that it was almost like being friends with a long lost twin.

I called her my Beecharmer. She seemed to move in slow motion while so much swarmed around. She reminded me of Idgie in Fried Green Tomatoes with her natural gift for stealing honey from the bees. There was something about her; she was mesmeric.

Almost as quickly as we became friends, we decided to become roommates. It seemed like the perfect situation, because we were already always together.

Do you remember that movie Speed? Ya know how Sandra Bullock's character says something about intense relationships can never last? The truth, as I've known it, is that all relationships require work to maintain them. Intense relationships require an equal amount of intensity just devoted to maintenance.

I liken it to sitting in front of a cozy fire in a frigid room. There is a sweet spot, and within it you are basking in that warm glow it comforts you entirely. At the same time it blocks out the darkness past your periphery. But that sweet spot can shift suddenly when the air is disturbed,  even by just another person's moving toward or away from the fire's glow. The ability to adjust (& the vigilance to making those adjustments) is required. Something so easy and comfortable can be equally exhausting. 

I find it hard to write about what happened. I'm not even sure I understand it, honestly. Except that there came a time when (from my perspective) the friendship no longer seemed to bring joy to either of us. When it seemed like all we could provide was something else to be hurt by, or something else to apologize for. So as difficult as it was, I realized that the best thing for me was to not be an active part of her life. 

And like Keyser Söze, I was gone. 

(I could also say "like a puff of smoke", but the reference to The Usual Suspects makes me happier)

I do not believe I can live a life with regret, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of all my choices. I had been uniquely selfish, and I knew it. I had turned my back on someone who, particularly because she struggles with depression, needed me. As hard as it is to admit it now, I resented that. I didn't feel like I could handle that responsibility. So instead, rather cowardly, I ran from it.

It was hard. She was (is) a voice in my head. Nearly every day I would find myself composing letters to her in my head as I walked down the street. Trying to find the words to heal the wounds, both mine and hers.

After several years she emailed me. Although I wanted to, I never found a way to reply. For one thing, I had no idea how to move around the wall. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to. Some time later she reached out through social media. Lots of mutual friends, and whatnot. I wasn't hard to find. Though I was hesitant, I thought it could be time.

Life is such a strange journey. There is so much loss. So much change. Surely time and distance, while they don't really heal wounds, can provide perspective.

I'll be honest, I still hesitated. It felt too easy for it to be so comfortable. To slide right back into a conversation we've been having for decades. Even when we weren't talking, it seems our dialog continued. 

My Beecharmer and I met up a few months back. Although we've been reconnected for a few years now, this was the first time we'd been face to face in maybe a dozen years. For days before I was a nervous wreck & full of questions: "Does the missing time need to be addressed? Can we just leave it in the past and be thankful we found ourselves on the other side of the chasm?"

As was ever the case, we were 3 for dinner. Another of my old college roommates, now the Beecharmer's wife, joined us. Not remarkably, it was like falling through time. The three of us were exactly the same, drinking and laughing, cursing too much and too loud for the middle aged moms we are. Only instead of talking about classes we talked about our kids. 

Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept.  -Debi, Grosse Point Blank-