A Million Stories in the City: Why Do I Love One About a Cigarette?

Last night my train of thought stopped on a memory from the Leap Day before last. Which is, of course, eight long years ago.

Back then I was a thirty-something working woman. A daily commuter. A regular smoker. Just a few of the ways it was a different life entirely.

Why Expectations are Easily a Bitch: An Airport Allegory.

One day I found myself sobbing, bitterly disappointed, and unable to see what would happen next. The reason for the outburst is genuinely irrelevant, because after a few minutes the storm passed.

As is my way, I tried to look for the silver lining in what seemed like a stormy sky. In that moment this #QueenOfSilverLinings realized I wasn't seeing anything clearly at all. 

My situation was less like the sky & a whole lot more like navigating a transportation hub.  

Let's say you find yourself in an airport. You're schlepping along down the corridor with all your gear, and it's a pain, right? Maybe you are struggling a bit, juggling all your shite and whatnot, but you're getting there.

The gate is down this hall & you have forward motion.

Then you see a series of those moving pathways, and you're psyched. This is what you needed!! 

Now you hadn't been wishing for them, per se, but as long as they are there, why not try it out!? 

So you shift over, jump on, and now you're walking while the path is moving. Sure enough, it's a little easier & certainly a bit faster. Naturally, you're totally on board with this new way to get to where you're headed. 

Then you reach the end of that pathway and you stumble and maybe even lose all your shite for a minute. You have to stop, put yourself back together and start walking down the corridor the same way you had been. 

So maybe when you see the next pathway you need to think about it. Upon reflection you decide the time saved was worth that stumble. Now you know how to handle that exit, so you'll be prepared this time. You've readied yourself to jump on that moving pathway. 

Only when you reach it, it's blocked off. Broken. You CANNOT go that way. 

Once again, you just stop. Maybe you lose all your shite again. Because now you were all prepared to go that way. You had accepted that was the path you were supposed to take. 

Although you had never wished for that pathway to appear, when you can't go that way, you are genuinely disappointed. Maybe even angry. Because of your expectation, you now feel defeated. 

And it actually takes a few minutes before your brain comes around to the fact that there is nothing wrong with how you were moving toward your gate to begin with.

The fact is, the goal is still reachable; the only thing keeping you from getting to the gate is YOU.  

If you stop worrying about the path you can't take and focus on how you can move ahead.

Just keep moving forward. 

#ExpectationsCanBeRoadBlocks
#KeepMovingForward
#BeFierce #BeKind #BePositive

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Spotlight on 5 Valuable Things my MRI Actually Revealed

I slid into a tube, on my knees, draped over a barrel. With my head tucked in, arms stretched ahead Super Girl style, my hooters hung out like socks on a clothesline. Headphones in place, I closed my eyes & tried to melt into the techno beat of an MRI machine. 

Just before this high tech breast exam started, the technician suggested I not breathe too deeply, because that would move the chesticles & the whole ordeal would take longer.  

Maybe the breathing note was the last straw, or maybe the whole scene was written and no amount of improv on my part could have changed the plot. With every whoop-whoop of the machine, I felt the panic rising. 

I tried to go to my happy place. I tried not to breathe deeply and yet still meditate. When that failed I tried to sing show tunes, tell myself jokes, sing 99 bottles of beer... 

Then I heard the technician say, "You're doing great, ma'am. Only 17 more minutes. How are you doing?" 

Yeah... That's when I lost my shite. 

In the few minutes that followed, while the techs talked me down from the ledge and back into the machine, I learned 5 very valuable things:  

• It does help to focus on the big picture. I was not there for myself; I was there for my family. Truly, if I were a single woman I think I'd have said fuck it and left. But with my family history of breast cancer, having this screening is important as both a parent and a wife. So I needed find a way back in that tube. 

• I can handle any of my fears if I can look them in the eye. (When I can't, I lose my shite.) I've long known I'm a bit of a control freak. But as the techs were asking me what they could do to get me to go on with the test, I realized this was more than just giving up control. I was freaked out because I couldn't use my sight to focus outside of my position. TRYING to look around was my problem. In this situation, I had to close my eyes and rely on my other senses. 

• When I can't see, I need to feel my way. I don't necessarily mean with my heart. I mean literally. When the tech took my hands & told me I could handle this; even blind and barely able to breathe, I believed her. To her credit, that wonderful lady stood outside the MRI tube, while I held on for dear life. There is great power and healing in the human touch. 

• When I really can't handle my situation, the bravest thing I can do is speak up & ask for help. I am the strong one, the one who endures and tries very hard not to complain. Yet as a mom, I tell my kids when they feel like they can't be brave, they can lean on me & together we can face anything. The reason, I say, is asking for help shows more bravery than anything else. In the middle of my panic attack, I was reminded mommy is also stronger when she lets herself be vulnerable & accepts that she cannot tackle everything on her own. 

• Oh, and the final thing I learned during my breast MRI? Mammograms are NOT the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done with my boobs. Actually, this whole experience was seriously awkward. Physically & emotionally. Of course, the most valuable lessons are often uncomfortable to learn. 

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