Does a Clock Worry When it's Time to Unwind?

Motherhood clockworks:
the balanced pendulum swings 
in constant motion. 

Tug the weights too much
- pendulum energy shifts - 
wrecking ball mood swings. 

Inspired by all the mothers we celebrate this month, the amazing women of Mommitment, as well as this week's prompt from Haiku Horizons. 

Lifesavers & Lipsticks: Starting Small

Somewhere I have a black and white photo of my mother’s purse, hanging off a tree limb, on the edge of a beach in Maine. It’s not a particularly great photo. But I still remember the moment I took it, thinking it looked odd and a bit lonesome. 

We’d been at my cousin’s wedding in New Hampshire. The day after the wedding was overcast and rainy. Instead of driving south to head home, Mom first drove north. Just so we could stop for a while at a beach. She needed to see the ocean; walk in the sand. Like the photograph, there's not much to the story. It was just a very “Mom” thing to do. Like hanging her purse on the tree. 

As parents I think we all know those glittering, undeniably exceptional moments when you want to stop time. People often talk about that split second when the gauze slips over your vision & you want the world to just stop so you can soak in all the perfection. No crying, kiddos giggling, everyone content & enjoying the same slice of time? 

I live for those moments. Or maybe it’s that I live in them. I’m not sure, but they rock. 

My hair combed flat with a wet comb, stretched tight into a section and then “snap!” Over an over, Mom dipping the comb in the water glass, rolling my hair in those pink foam Goody curlers. Then she’d tuck my little head into the 60s bonnet hair dryer. You know, the kind that was like a big shower cap that inflated with warm air. It was so loud, but the air always felt as wonderful and warm as my mommy’s smile. 

Do you ever wonder if your kids see that moment? Recognize that perfection? Does it imprint on their brains the way it does ours? 

Lately I wonder more & more - are my children holding on to the same moments? 

Sitting in the open back end of the car, with the garage door open, watching the rain splatter in the suburban streets. Hoping for lightning so we could count until the thunder clap hit us. Sometimes we’d have to snuggle in jackets, or blankets, or huddle together. Usually there was no real conversation. We were just listening. Together. 

As the calendar turns to May I have no choice but to think almost constantly of my mom. As a child the month of May was Mommy’s month. Not only is there mother’s day, but my mom’s birthday is the 19th. Often we would end up celebrating her on back to back weekends. But after she died, well, I’m sorry, May, you officially became My Least Favorite Month.

I have decided that a decade of holding a grudge against 1/12 of the calendar is probably long enough. So this year I’m working hard at shifting my focus off of what is missing, to what I was lucky enough to have. 

Which, by the way, is monumentally hard. 

With all hard things the advice is to start small, right? So I’m making a point to recall all the small moments. 

Lifesavers. Along with the usual tissues, lipsticks, combs, and whatnots, as a child it seemed Mom's purse was almost certain to have Lifesavers. She liked all kinds of hard candy, but those little fruity rings were second only to dried out gummy bears. The oddity of gummy bears that had been purposefully left out to harden didn’t start until I was much older, though. 

As a kid, I could dig through the tissues and probably find a few linty orange Lifesavers to swipe. Actually, Mom was pretty liberal with handing out the orange ones. (Naturally, I thought it was a treat, until I realized that she just didn’t like orange candy.) The absolute best was when she had a whole role of cherry or butter rum. 

I spotted a roll the other day in a checkout line, and in a flash I was 6 years old, digging in my mommy’s purse. I could practically smell the Revlon lipstick blotted Kleenex. Then that moment of delight when she would say, “Sure baby. Here you go.” 

So much sweeter than the candy. 

Do you have a favorite moment with your mother, grandmother, aunt, etc? What moments with you are you hoping the children in your life will remember when they are grown? 

I would love you to share them with me! 

One lucky reader already won a copy of I Still Just Want To Pee Alone! 
Just in time for Mother’s Day! 
**Contest Closed**

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Good News/Bad News

So... it's been a Good News/Bad News kind of a day in Toddlerville.

• Good News: #Frankenfoot got her stitches out & that means I'm just a day or so away from a full on proper shower (with Hubs standing by)! Everything is healing really well & the x-rays look super good. 
• Bad News: Because everything looks so nice & I'm doing a great job at taking care of it the doc wants me to stay on the #StupidCrutches the full 4 weeks. That means I can stop using them at home on May 1st (if I fudge by 36 hours). And then, maybe, after the visit to her the following Tuesday (May 6th) I can lose the crutches all together.

• Good News: Walking (hopping) home from the doctor I got to see all the lovely Spring flowers. Including these daffodils, which are one of my all time favorite of flowers. 
• Bad News: When I got to my building I was knocked off my crutches & nearly fell down the steps to the sidewalk by someone who was trying to be kind. So I was nearly killed by kindness. 

• Good News: I waited in the lobby to see Hubs & he agreed to pick up a venti frap on his way back from the grocery store so I could drown my sorrows. 
• Bad News: When I got into the apartment my kids were clearly tired but keyed up; no one was listening.  In utter frustration I sent them for quiet time over an hour early. 

I want to cry. I'm tired of not being able to do anything. I don't want to keep hopping around like a manic flamingo. My kids and my Hubs are sick of it too. We all have Spring Fever, and we want to go roll in the grass like happy puppies. 

Here's the thing; days like today I don't want to be the parent. I want to be the child. I want my mother to bring me a special treat - like orange juice & ginger ale - and coloring books. And sit with me and watch old movies. I want my dad to go to the grocery store to pick up something fun for dinner & see flowers or balloons or a stuffed toy that he picks up to make me smile - just to make his little girl feel better. 

But Mom's been gone 10 years now. And Daddy lives in Texas, while I'm up here in the Big Apple. The reality is that I'm the Mommy now. My little people need me to be the grown-up. 

It is difficult, sometimes, to look on the bright side. Even though I know it is only another 10-14 days. Even though I know this is nothing compared to other struggles, including those I've gone through before. I know this mood, this moment will pass. I will buck up, pull up my big girl pants and get over myself. Any minute now...

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Here's Looking at You Kiddo

My friend Amy had her baby! A few weeks ago I shared my wishes for her & all new moms in a Wishing Well for Amy.

Now that her preciously little one is here, I thought I'd follow up with these wishes I wrote for the baby. As it happens, they are the same ones I have for my kids & for all children. Everywhere.

I hope you love... deeply, with an open heart and an open mind. Remember to love yourself the same way. 

I hope you learn... to do your own laundry by the time you're eleven. And I mean properly, not just how to work the machines (but ruin the clothes). Seriously, it's a pretty crucial thing in life and your parents will be grateful. 

I hope you get... to explore and have adventures. Whether they take you across the world, the country, or just your own backyard. Nothing better than a proper adventure, and they come along pretty often if you keep your eyes open. 

I hope you become... the very best person you can be. Whatever & whomever that is. I hope you are the most amazing version of You that you can imagine. 

I hope you ignore... any naysayers, bullies, or anyone who ever tries to hold you down, squash your dreams or otherwise break your heart. 

I hope you aren't afraid... to fail, to ask for help, or be vulnerable. Those who do the impossible rarely achieve it the first time and they do not ever do it alone. 

I hope you grow... to appreciate those things you don't like, be they foods, music, movies, or other people and their opinions. It is so important to try new things & be open to all viewpoints. And then if you disagree, do so respectfully. Such common courtesy is often overlooked these days. A little kindness will always get you far. 

I hope you laugh... often and with a full heart. Laugh until the tears stream down your face, and laugh even when you've already been crying. 

I hope you remember... you are extraordinary. No matter what you do or who you become. You are loved. By so many - both near and far far away.

Lost Fox Hunting

Alright, I'm a military brat. We fall into 2 categories - the ones that care about having stuff, and the ones that don't. For me, all my things make me feel at home, even when I know its just stuff. I'm the creepy Junk Lady muppet at the end of Labyrinth. Seriously, I'm practically a hoarder. I don't trash things until I'm damn sure I'm never gonna need it again. Or no one I know will ever need it again. And if anyone, anywhere, maybe can use it, I'm donating it.

The Junk Lady from Labyrinth

Really. I have a storage unit that can stand as testimony to this. I have had things in storage since 2004. We aren't going to talk about the money lost there, ok? This ain't about that.

I know this about myself. Those who love me know this about me. Sister Cat once spent an entire day helping me sort through my childhood stuff to find what was precious and worth holding onto vs. what was trash. It was damn near the HARDEST thing I've ever done. HARDER THAN LABOR. Seriously. See, I couldn't displace it because the pain was in my soul, not my body.
Am I nuts? Maybe but whatever, this isn't about that either.

This is not to say that I don't ever lose things. I sure do. And when I do, it's usually an item of crazy importance or value. A brand new iPhone - yep, lost one of those. Several hundred of dollars in CA$H, yes. I don't want to talk about. Suffice to say: When mama fucks up, she does it big. And it is devastating to me in so many ways - so, ya know, I go pretty far to avoid it.

You know who does lose things? Kids. It's the way it is, and the way they learn valuable life lessons, I guess. Oh man, it kills me every damn time one of my kids misplace something. I have gone searching for lost loveys all over stores and neighborhoods. I know how devastating it is to me and I want to spare them, and me, the pain. For a while my son had a really bad habit of throwing things when we were out & expecting them to come back. Too much Toy Story, probably. He believes his toys will find a way to get home. They didn't & he's gotten better about doing it. Lesson learned.

I'm being honest here, so let's also say I'm a little OCD about their toys. Maybe that's an understatement. It drives me INSANE when we go to play with something and it's not all there, and then in that moment its a panic & Boy is whining or Girl is repeating the same request over and over. My head just started thumping on one side with remembered anxiety.

When we go out there are things that do not leave the house. At this point in our lives they are too easily lost or fought over in public play grounds and, again, I no longer want to spend my day retracing my steps for something that fell off the stroller tray when (God forbid) I wasn't looking. Or that becomes cause for my son to beat yours up in the sandbox. I don't have the patience for that sort of thing. Control issues? Check.

So as I go along about my day I'm always keeping an eye on the Special Toys. The current loves of my children's lives. Frequently, when I see them discarded out of the way, I'll scoop them up and put them on a dresser or in the bed. Because ultimately it is easier for me. If my kid is whining about where his favorite dinosaur is, I can tell him it's on his bed. Problem solved. I don't have to go searching while his crazy gets out of control & my patience wanes.

But hey, that is my JOB. I'm an at home mommy. My job is to know which things are important today & where they are. Pretty much at all times. I patrol my apartment like a prison guard, counting inmates & watching for new gang members. It is not my husband's job. I get that. He doesn't have the time or patience to pay attention to those details in the same way I do, because he has 2 buildings to keep an eye on all day, while I'm with the 2 kids.

Which is I why I shouldn't be so annoyed by what happened last night. For those who aren't friends on Facebook, I will explain. I left the apartment at 5:30 for yoga. When I got back about 8:30 it was bedtime for kiddos. Only no Foxy was to be found. We searched, nothing. Got the kids in bed. Searched again. Nowhere. This is not possible. She must be here somewhere. They didn't go out. No one came over. All I kept thinking was, "How could he have let Foxy get misplaced??!!"

Mama Foxy & Lil Foxy

If you don't know already, Foxy is Winter Girl's little lovey. Only about 5" high, and easily held & cuddled by my wee girl. She is the baby of a set from Ikea. Girl LOVES her. She is the Velveteen Rabbit of our home - Foxy is most certainly Real.

She has gone missing before. A couple of weeks before Christmas. My husband and I were both confident Foxy had not left the apartment. After we tore the place apart and couldn't find her, we had to reluctantly conclude she'd been been lost while everyone was distracted on a walk to the car.

Again, being honest, I was probably more upset than Winter Girl. She looked, and asked for Foxy, but she was fairly satisfied with Mama Foxy at bedtime and other small companions throughout the day.  About a week later - when life had started to move on without mention of Foxy - my husband found her where he had apparently stashed her leaving that morning - IN HIS COAT POCKET. Seriously??!! Buttmunch. But ok she was found

When it came to Girl's love for Foxy, well, absence certainly made the heart grow fonder.  Now when we are getting her in the stroller, Girl will ask for Foxy if she's not already clinched in a little chubby fist. When Foxy falls/is thrown out of the crib, there is a clear wail of "MOMMY - I NEED FOXY!"

So naturally, I tore the apartment upside down this morning. Every drawer, every bin, every closet. Nothing.
Until 5 minutes ago.
With renewed purpose I took a break from writing this rant to check in all the toy bins again. And damned if I didn't find her! Way in the back of the basket of blocks. I don't know how either my husband or I could have missed her there. It's not like she blends in - she's orange and plush, for Pete's sake.

Unless... No, I'm not going to even type that... Let's just say maybe I've been watching a little too much Toy Story too.

Resolve or Evolve, THAT is the Question

Time really does accelerate the older you get, doesn't it? Because, seriously, 2014?!!? I'd swear it was just 2004 last year. 

For our family 2013 was a year of significant change. Although, to be honest the last 5 years has been full of changes for me. Whether they be new relationships, babies, offices, homes, jobs, classes, teeth, foods, toys, newly walking, newly diaper free... Now, as a mommy with two toddlers almost every day brings something new to one of us. Granted, not all that is new is monumental, but "NEW" is familiar territory. 

To start this year off, we've just gotten a shiny new iMac. So for the first time in about 2 years I'm sitting at a computer and typing. Strange & oddly satisfying. It has me excited about all the things I can do. 

Like everyone, I've been thinking about what else this New Year might bring. Not starting the year pregnant or nursing makes me feel like I should have a bit more flexibility in 2014. So, what do I want to DO this year?  

I have a laundry list of things in mind, of course. Just off the top of my head: 

• Read more; read with the kids, read a novel, read more articles & interesting things that spark the old creative bug. 
• Spend more time being creative: writing, photography, more crafts with the kids. My art school days should be put to use at least a little, right? 
• Do more yoga, eat better, cook more and introduce more variety to our family menu. 
• Catch up on some brain candy - like classic Doctor Who episodes. Ok, other things too, like award winning movies, & I never finished last season's Luther, either. But chiefly I'd like to go back and catch up on some old Who. (Not as lofty as some other goals, but honest.)

But seriously, none of that is particularly monumental. Or that needed Jan 1st as a start date. Can I call them resolutions, really? 

Thankfully my friend The Internet is here to tell me a resolution is the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones; an act of determining. Alright... I get that making new year's resolutions is an act of determination, but I'm more interested in the first bit.  Breaking down a complex notion. Because I feel like that list up there is really more about the ways in which I'd like to see me & my family grow this year.  

Growth. Seems odd to call a "determination to grow" a "resolution". I mean, isn't growth what LIFE is all about? Growth over the course of our lives - that sounds more like evolution than resolution to me.

We usually think of evolution as a scientific thing, right? Species evolving over generations to adapt to their environment, etc. But getting the dictionary out again I find evolution is a process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state: growth.  A process of gradual and relatively peaceful social, political, and economic advance.

Gradual & peaceful advancement. Continuous change from a lower to a higher state. That's more like it. In yoga we work to grow a little stronger, go a little further, deeper each day as we practice. Even if it is only the mind we can move in the direction we want to go. Each practice we aim to be determined in how we want to grow. In essence, we resolve to evolve. 

So, I say we forget about making old school resolutions, most of which we are destined to abandon and feel like crap about if we can't stick with it. Why create an opportunity for negative feelings? 

This year I'm bringing my yoga mindset out of the studio! My only resolution is to keep evolving, and to help my family & friends do the same. Growth over time, peaceful advancement. Each new day is the start of a new year, if you choose to see life from that perspective.

Namaste.